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"place of tongues"

How to become a 'Classic-Period' Maya Lord of Tikal:

Supplies You Will Need ...
× Royal Birth (unless you're good friends with Siyah K'ak' of Teotihuacan)
× Priests well-versed in the movement of celestial bodies (in particular, the planet Venus)
× One (1) extremely large Mayan pyramid + temple (230 feet tall)
× One (1) fire, lit before the ceremony begins
× One (1) knife made from the serrated tail of a stingray
× One (1) length of barbed rope, approximately four feet in length
× Several (5-6) pieces of paper

Directions ...
× As the ruler of Tikal is the embodiment of the gods' power on earth it is important to conduct this ceremony immediately after the death of the previous ruler - failure to do so may result in popular revolt.
× Gather everyone from the city and surrounding countryside to witness the spectacle of your coronation.
× Ask the head priest to perform the appropriate ceremony (future priests, please read How to Win Friends and Influence Neighboring City-States Through Ripping Out Their Fingernails for more information).
× Stab yourself in the tongue with the knife. No, you may not use an anesthetic, and no, you are not allowed to pass out. Also, remember to leave the knife within easy reach - you'll need it again later.
× Take the rope with thorns woven into the fiber and run it through the hole you have just made in your tongue. The more you bleed the better, so feel free to jiggle it around a little as you pull. Keep this nearby for later use.
× Allow the blood this generates to drip onto the paper you've brought with you.
× Take the knife and stab yourself in the genitals (note: this applies to both males and females).
× Thread the barbed rope through the hole you've made in your genitals and run it through just as you did with your tongue. We cannot stress enough how important it is to bleed heavily.
× Collect the resulting blood on the strips of paper.
× Have the head priest throw the strips of paper soaked with your blood into the flames generated by a fire roaring on the uppermost level of your pyramid. If all goes well your citizens should applaud.
× Congratulations, you are now the new Lord of Tikal!

Additional Considerations...
It should be noted that, in order to retain your lordship over the people of Tikal, this ceremony will need to be repeated on a regular schedule. Perhaps not annually, but it will by no means be the only time you will be asked to collect blood from self-inflicted wounds in your tongue and genitals. However, please don't let this detract from your new-found position and popularity within the Mayan Lowlands. Maybe you can attack the city of Uaxactún and sacrifice its inhabitants to Vucub Caquix, the god of the underworld, in a few months' time.

If your name is Nun Yax Ayin you will need to wait until Siyah K'ak' of Teotihuacan conquers the city of Tikal in 378 AD before you can assume the throne. You are still required to sacrifice your blood for the people.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 21st, 2006 05:50 am (UTC)
Did you hear about the pyramid they're uncovering in Bosnia of all places?
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:19 am (UTC)
No, that's certainly news to me!

While discussing how some people think that the pyramids in Central America serve as 'proof' that the Egyptians originally settled the Americas in my biological anthropology class the professor shared the following insight:

"It's been mathematically proven that a pyramid is the easiest large-sized structure to construct. I could make a pyramid out of fucking marbles if you gave me enough."
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:27 am (UTC)

There was a guest on Coast to Coast with George Noory the other night, and I don't know how credible he is but he was able to get into the pyramids in Egypt with National Geographic. His theory is they were built by supernatural beings. (hey you never know, do ya? Lol)

Apparently they found seashells near or inside the construct, and something about the pyramids being submerged at one point?

Hmm...how would one prevent the marbles from rolling away? I'd be interested in the mathematical proof regarding the pyramid (I need to get a life lol).
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
The idea of a Bosnian pyramid is quite intriguing, but the brief google search I've done hasn't provided anything that looks like undeniable proof as far as the dating is concerned. I'll have to check with some of my professors to see if they know anything more about the subject.

I'm not sure how they would keep from rolling away - the closest I can come up with is something similar to how sand grains can be formed into a cone, but they don't have the same smooth, glass surface that marbles have. If you find anything please let me know!
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )